Crumbling

I wish to melt. Melt away right here. Right now. It won't matter, I'm dispensible. I've worn my cloak too many years. It has melded to my bones.

I can't undo what I've done. What I"ve done over and over again.

If I stay here in this place long enough, maybe I'll disappear. Maybe the air will shift and let me in. Maybe I'll disappear into the night. I'll lend my arms, my hands, my bones to the stars. Maybe then I'll shine some light.

I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the dim soul pulling everyone down.

...

I wish for a fresh start. But how will I know I won't do it again?

...

I'm just making it sound nice. All I'm trying to say is that I hate myself. I hate who I am and I'll leave it at that because I can't be helped.

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I hear them. They're happy. And I ask myself why I'm not. Why am I not happy? And why can't I be happy for them? Why is every single effort to be close to me looked upon in disdain?

I want to be happy but I don't know how to.

1 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 01:30 AM

They named me Jenny

Is it how I say it? Is it in my diction? Do I not enunciate? (Well, my mom does complain about that.) But still. Jenny for Jill? It's even funnier how people say all kinds of names over the phone. Chill, DRILL, Bill. It's Jill! JILL!

2 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 07:26 PM

Pure BS

It's that easy. I no longer look forward to it. With just a few sentences you took it all away.

Blame it one me. It's wholly my fault anyway. I ask questions, then don't believe the answers. I need three to four affirmations before I vaguely trust what you're saying.

Why ask my stupid questions, then?

Why can't I just ignore all those little balloon thoughts hanging around over my head? Why can't I just live in ignorance?

Maybe cause I'm really not like that.

So. Here I am, saying, "Fine, whatever." over and over and over again.

2 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 08:56 AM

Carrie Bradshaw Moment

How much do I want to know?

...

How important is the past to a future?

How much distance can you put between your mistakes and your effort to pick yourself up from the mess you've made of your life?

(warning: rambling ahead)

A person's past determines his character -- so the reasons why you love the person you're with are mainly because of how he was molded by his past. But how much of that do you want to lean? Do you need details? Names? Dates? More descriptions that you know would only kill you? Every reality he had that once was, even if it's all in the past, is still a reality without you. Why is that thought so difficult to deal with?

...

When will I ever learn to give my trust? I mean really trust someone. I can't go on forever blaming what happened to me for it. It's been years -- I should be over it already. It seems like my mind adapted all these ideas and insights but my emotions got stuck somewhere.

...

All these thoughts sparked by a chick flick. Wow.

42 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 06:57 PM

Sock it to me.

unbeknownst | 04:15 PM