Entries for March, 2004

Sadness is Relative

Ultimately, the world has a big say on the degree of our happiness. But whether or not we succumb to its manipulations is in our hands. If we choose not to see something, do we not succeed in doing so? And if we say one thing over and over, wouldn't we believe it eventually?

I am no patron of happiness, and I am not an expert in that field, but I do know how to detract my attention from the sadness I know I feel. It’s just beneath the surface, just within my reach, but far enough for me to forget it's there.

Why waste our time wallowing in our despair for all the world to see? I have learned that people have so many more important things to do, and caring for your troubles isn't really one of their top priorities. There are people who care. That is a fact I am sure of. But saving them the trouble of worrying about someone else’s worries is my way of showing that I care for them.

We are only as happy as we allow ourselves to be. These are my own words and this I believe.

I’ll be happy, in time. I know it’ll come. Just not yet.

Sock it to me.

unbeknownst | 09:44 AM

This is Not About Incubus

A friend and I were talking a while ago. The topic? Incubus.

Friend: I won’t buy their CD.
Me: How come? You want to boycott them?
Friend: Sort of. They’re too mainstream na e.

I looked at him for a moment. The only thing I could say was, “Ah.”

I know I’m not typical. I don’t listen to hip-hop and R&B. I dislike pop for the sappy, shallow lyrics that the songs are made of. The recent surge in the acoustic music genre is slowly suffocating me. [Too much of a good thing…] My friend and I share the same taste in music; however, it made me sad when he said won’t buy the Incubus album just because they’re too mainstream na.

Why… ? They’re a good band. They make phenomenal music.

Why does he allow himself to be bound by what’s mainstream and what’s not? Can’t he choose for himself and not mind what others say?

There was this one time, I was searching for friends at Friendster and found myself reading someone’s profile. I didn’t know him but from what I read, he was the ultimate rocker, a pessimist, and a thinker. However, there was a testi there that said, “I thought you hated anything mainstream? Why are you at Friendster?”

Again, that word. Mainstream.

Just because a person is known to act a certain way does not mean he’s prohibited from doing things another way. Why be bound by what other people think? Why not surprise them? Show them that there’s more than what they think?

It’s a little frustrating when people do things a certain way so others would think they are the epitome of coolness. I’ve seen my share of these people. And it’s sad. Sad how they lead themselves to believe that they’re something they’re not. Just because they want to be “in”.

Am I being too judgmental? All I want is for people to act the way they want to. Is that so hard?

Really. Answer me. Is that so hard?

Radiohead's Go To Sleep 10 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 08:03 PM

Think About This

Do not judge if you do not want to be judged. Do not condemn if you do not want to be condemned… for the measure you use against others will be the measure that will be used against you.

(Let us now fall into contemplative silence.)

Sock it to me.

unbeknownst | 08:52 AM

My Point Being…

I know I said I didn’t like pop, but I didn’t say I abhor it. I can appreciate anything. Hey, this is coming from someone who actually smiles when she hears Westlife’s World of Our Own.

I didn’t say mainstram is uncool. All I wanted to say was… let us not be bound by the people around us… their thoughts, and their opinions. If you like Britney, fine. I have nothing against that. You have your reasons for liking her, I have my reasons for being content just knowing she exists. Besides, we all have different definitions as to what coolness is. Tell me, can anyone really define it?

It just frustrates me when people don’t allow themselves to be themselves.

3 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 09:31 AM

An Introduction

It is undeniable. When he’s near, I cannot think. My mind becomes a blur. My every other thought is of him.

I tried to stay away. I’ve been reading the pages of my Henry book, trying so hard to concentrate.

My efforts are in vain.

I found myself going to him. Giddy. Anxious.

With a smile that only he understood, I held him. I held him carefully. I pulled him close, breathed him in. A cold, electric shiver ran down my spine. And in that moment, no one else existed. Just him and me.

Sam and me.

I am his.

Meet Sam.

4 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 09:40 PM

It's A Slow Morning So...

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Steel Dragon's Stand Up and Shouttttttttttttttt!!!!! Sock it to me.

unbeknownst | 07:25 AM

Concealed

why wouldn’t you want it that way?
it lies within your shadows
like all your other secrets
but what do you take me for?
I’m no fool.
I frown at the triumph you feel
each time we pass each other by
I wasn’t born yesterday,
and I do pick up the hints you so blatantly drop my way
I piece together a puzzle,
of your betrayal,
of your deception.

I look away at the sight of you
and cringe at the sound of your voice
when will your masquerade end?
take away your mask, come out of the dark
for the little good it would do you.

Sock it to me.

unbeknownst | 06:46 AM

Showbands

I just got home, but I came from a different world. My system is still in a state of recovery. Our band played in a venue quite different from the ones we were used to. When we got there, there were pink strobe lights coming from the inside, and loud dance music could be heard playing. Now, this made me wonder a little. Ano ginagawa namin dito? But since we had a written agreement with the organizer, we had to play. Besides, the venue shouldn’t matter, right? We went inside, went to the upper level, which was sort of like a balcony. I saw four guys wearing similar light blue polos go up the stage and start fixing things. I thought they were part of the tech support. WRONG. They were part of the band. A show band. Now I have nothing against show bands, but it was very, very weird to be playing with one. They played a whole set, all covers… the standard dance tunes you usually hear show bands play. After they played, it was time for our production. A really good band went on and played all original songs. During this time, someone came up to us and said that a misunderstanding came between the organizer and the management of the venue and our playing might be affected.

To make a long story short, we were all set to play 6 songs, all originals. But, and we had to cut our set after three songs. So, so abruptly.

That made me sad. And a little frustrated.

Nakakainis.

Kaya hindi umuunlad Pinoy eh. Puro na lang mga cover, puro mga gaya na lang yung gusto. Pag binigyan ng orihinal, hindi nila masikmura.

Maybe we really weren’t right for the place. But the management should have, at the very least, had an idea as to what kind of music we were going to play. This was a production. They had an agreement with the organizer, so somehow they should have taken it upon themselves to know what they were allowing to get into their venue. Hay nako. Imagine being cut off in the middle of a set! Nakakapikon. Maybe it was the organizer’s fault… maybe it was our fault. Hell, maybe no one's to blame. Hay nako pa rin.

It wasn't our night.

3 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 02:43 AM

A Question

Does anybody know where the word blog originated?

A Perfect Circle's Judith 5 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 01:57 PM

Of Poetry and Prose

I envy those people who can write long, long entries in their journals. I always wonder how they do it. But an article I read last Sunday shed a little light on the matter.

Can prose writers write poetry, and vice versa?
Sure, why not? It’ll likely be pretty awful, though. I’ve yet to see the same writer do both things with equal facility and brilliance. Have you seen John Updike’s poetry? You’re not missing much.
The driving forces are truly different. Poetry thrives on the almost infinite expansion of a moment. Fiction works with an accumulation of many moments to achieve a similar effect of awe or wonderment at the end.

-an excerpt from “Fifteen Questions” by Butch Dalisay, March 22, 2004, The Philippine Star

Hehe. I’m not saying I’m a poet but I find myself more at ease when I write poems. I find it funny that even in my mind, my thoughts are in phrases. I wish there were a gadget that could record thoughts onto paper. (haha! Tamad!) But sometimes my thoughts come too fast for me to write them down, and a lot of times, I don’t have a pen or paper handy.

“Poetry thrives on the almost infinite expansion of a moment.” This is so true for me. I prefer to write about how I feel or what I think at a particular instance. I tried my hand at writing short stories when I was younger. They started out pretty well, but after a few paragraphs, I’d get tired of it all. They’d eventually find their way into the wastebasket.

And here I go again. My thought process has ended. Maybe I really am not one to write long entries.

____________________________________________________
It’s so darn hot. And the heat is melting away my reserve. I have become this irritable bitch. Tsktsk. And on these days I hate taking direction and I hate hearing people tell me what I should do. I hate being bossed around, even if it’s with the very best of intentions.

Leave me alone!

It’s hot. It’s just so darn hot.

Incubus' Pantomime 9 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 12:33 AM

Save Me

When I took a personality test back when I was in high school, I remember clearly that my results showed I was an extrovert. However, a test I took recently said that I had the strongest tendency to be antisocial. Now I’m confused. In the past months, though, I have realized that something in me has changed. I no longer involve myself as much with the people around me. I care less for the things that happen in their lives, unless they are things that I know are important to them. Chit-chat has become less appealing to me. (And a friend described me as full of apathy, though she meant that as a joke… but still.) I only ask about others’ problems when I know that the attention is wanted, or in some cases, needed.

And I wondered why.

I recall analyzing my situation with a friend, and the conclusion was this: I have gotten tired of caring for people. I care for them in a way that I would like to be cared for back… but found myself constantly disappointed. I should no longer expect this to happen. If before I trusted in people so easily… if before I gave them the benefit of the doubt… Now I prefer to remain detached. I have met my share of people who all have succeeded in giving me disappointment. And these were people whom I truly cared about. Imagine just how much disappointment they caused me.

I wish I could be a child again. I wish I could go back to the time when I believed in the good everyone has in each of them. I wish I could be fourteen again, when everyone’s life seemed to matter to me, when I’d go out of my way to ask how someone’s day went, and how someone feels. Sigh.

What happened to me?

1 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 07:04 PM

Grrrrrr!!!!!!!

Does being born three years earlier give you the right to be bossy? I love my brother, but sometimes, he is just so irritating! He throws his weight around (and what a weight at that!), acting all high and mighty. I hate it that he thrives in the power of being the first-born.

Are all first-borns like this?
__________________________________________________

and if any of you are interested:

SUNDAY GRABE SUNDAY
MAYRIC'S, España
March 28, 9PM

BOLDSTAR
HELEN
MARTY McFLY
THE PIN-UP GIRLS
TWISTED HALO

9 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 07:38 PM

What's Next?

I graduated this morning! Woohooo!!! I am now a proud holder of a Bachelor of Science in Medical Technology degree, from the University of Santo Tomas. Whew!

I thought I would be pursuing medicine after I graduated. But I’ll be taking a much needed break first… Every time I entered the University grounds during my last year in college, I could feel the walls literally closing in on me. I wanted to get away from it all already. My one year of internship gave me a taste of freedom and I found that I liked it.

I want to get a job! I want to earn already! Hahaha! (but this will only happen after I take the Board exam on September)

I have a whole year to think if I really want to take up Med. Hmm… I don’t want to regret not having a Doctor before my name when I grow older.

______________________________

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be a lawyer.”

I was in Prep then and we each had to go in front and answer that question. But I was six years old! The thought of growing up never crossed my mind before. It was almost my turn to answer and I didn’t know what to say. And being a child, what else could I do but say:

“I want to be a doctor.”

Everyone else was saying it, so why shouldn’t I? The answers were the generic lawyer, dentist, astronaut, policewoman. A lawyer? Nah. I was a kid. What did I care about the law? I didn’t want to look at people’s teeth all day. And my trips to the dentist then weren’t exactly inspiring. An astronaut was too far-fetched an idea for me. A policewoman? I didn’t like their uniform. Besides, when you said I want to be a doctor when you were at that age, the older people always seemed to be impressed. Plus you could also say, “so I could help others”, which sounds pretty lame… but when you’re six and you say that, people go, wow!

That’s my story. I guess I never really got around to changing my answer every time I was asked that question. But I did realize that the medical field appealed to me. I enjoyed the sciences and biology. I didn’t squirm when we were asked to dissect frogs in high school. I didn’t freak when we cut up chickens and sharks and cats in college. I actually wanted to be a surgeon. Hmm…

The question now is do I still want to be a doctor?

Think, Jill. Think.

TimeLapseConsortium's A Certain Shade of Lounge 14 tweaked.

unbeknownst | 07:25 PM