Entries for October, 2008

Crumbling

I wish to melt. Melt away right here. Right now. It won't matter, I'm dispensible. I've worn my cloak too many years. It has melded to my bones.

I can't undo what I've done. What I"ve done over and over again.

If I stay here in this place long enough, maybe I'll disappear. Maybe the air will shift and let me in. Maybe I'll disappear into the night. I'll lend my arms, my hands, my bones to the stars. Maybe then I'll shine some light.

I'm tired of the darkness. I'm tired of the dim soul pulling everyone down.

...

I wish for a fresh start. But how will I know I won't do it again?

...

I'm just making it sound nice. All I'm trying to say is that I hate myself. I hate who I am and I'll leave it at that because I can't be helped.

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I hear them. They're happy. And I ask myself why I'm not. Why am I not happy? And why can't I be happy for them? Why is every single effort to be close to me looked upon in disdain?

I want to be happy but I don't know how to.